Sitting in the dark, crying

Last night, on purpose again I fought to stay up late, well as I finally went to bed a little past 3am, no sooner than I could hit the pillow, the Pain, demanded my time again. The spasms in the back, running to the restroom, my HEART was racing, (still don't know why), my neck and shoulders were pulsating, you could feel the knots and my giving myself a neck rub at 330am wasn't cutting it. So out of the bed again I go and I sat on the side of the bed talking to God in the darkness, don't remember what all I said but I know I told Him I was tired and I didn't think my life would end up like this. So, I tried to lay back down about 5:30am and the same thing again, well actually THIS time, I didn't lay, I sat upright in bed with pillows behind my back, well I guess that wasn't enough, so UP AGAIN! 0550am I am up in the house walking in the dark, crying, confused and in pain. I can't complain, because Jesus didn't complain. I checked my blood pressure and what do you know it was up: 147/96 HR 79, so I took an anxiety pill, because STILL, my heart felt like she was running a marathon, poor little thing, she must be stressed cause she ran out of spoons. My normal HR is 58, so for it to be 79 at 6am, we were in overtime mode. So I retreated back to my bed for my pillows and blanket, came back up front and turned on the heating pad for my back, put my feet up on a container and leaned forward to get a little more oxygen, and drifted off to sleep with tears still flowing down my face, wondering how many more fibromites are up at this time of morning, sitting in the dark, crying.

I must have drifted off to sleep within minutes, because I looked up again with more spasms (the heating pad had shut off) it was about 0653am and I went to my bed, still crying and toting a blanket and two pillows, and resting upright leaning forward, falling asleep, just to wake again about 0733am, and here I am, it is no longer dark, but I am still sitting here, crying... It was another one of those nights.