Let the Journey begin

This blog has been renamed to document where I came from as a nurse/caregiver to where I am now, in this FIGHT, to where I am going: to my Destined Purpose in God. I want to take this first note and catch up on some posts from diaries that I posted previously elsewhere with this journey.

My very own "symptoms" well some of them...
As I recall them, I will add them, I guess the easiest way would be to start from the top and go down, or from what is HURTING right now and go back. I am a former soldier and did go on to school to be a Nurse of which I have been for the past 16 years, my children helped me get through school as well as some of my classmates, because I either couldn't recall the lessons or I was always falling asleep in class, I astonied my class mates, because when the instructor would call my name, I would pop up with the right answer. Hmm.

Just a brief synapses of my "Symptoms"
*Headaches, Migraines
*Memory malfunction
*Depression
*Irritable
*Itching: most times in places you can't scratch in the public.
*Dry, irritated eyes: All kind of eye drops and eye washes daily.
*Vision: driving or riding with someone else at night, is now dangerous.
*Allergies (from out of no where)
*Neck and Shoulder pain
*Fatigue
*No Energy
*Extreme fatigue
*Forgetfulness: I do take the liberty to write something down to remember, and forget where I put it, then when I find it, I have no clue what it relates to or even able to read my own writing.
*Painful hands and arms
*Bloating
*Gassy and IBS
*Constipation (if I am fortunate, I will have a run of Diarrhea to ease the constipation)
*Chest Pain: EKG's normal, blood tests: normal, Urine: normal
*Pain in my WHOLE back. (Heating pads and creams are my new BFF's)
*Pain meds: tried so many I am immune to them.
*Have a TENS unit, not even hitting the spot no more.
*DIFFICULTY writing; my handwriting turns to chicken scratch in about 2 minutes of starting to write something.
*Fear: of holding my GRANDSON or any baby
*Pain in legs, knees, hips
*Pains in groin lymph nodes, armpit lymph nodes
*Wake up STIFF and TIRED, have to go back to bed within 2-3 hours for a power nap, so I can get something to eat.
*Withdrawal: I slowly pulled away from family and friends, and spent a lot of time A-LONE.
*Crying bouts: For no reason whatsoever, I would just CRY
*Emotional rollercoaster: I thought it was Menopause, but most of that came and gone years ago.
*Laundry, happens once a month at best.
*Cooking, maybe twice a month. Most times I plain forget to eat.
*Anxiety: I HATE leaving the house, getting on the freeway runs my blood pressure up.
*Panic attacks/flareups: the first one was in 2002, felt like I was having a heart attack.
*Mitral Valve Problem
*Urinary Issues: wakes up several times every night, running!
*Swollen feet: Just because they have nothing else to do.

*hard to feed myself if my hands go stiff in the middle of the meal.
*Combing my hair has become a real challenge

Here lately, I noticed things about me, "changing", so before heading to a doctor I went online like I always do and started my own search for an answer, EVERY symptom led to FM/CFS. I felt like I was really losing my mind. I couldn't read a book or a magazine, the wordings were getting smaller and smaller. And because of my JOB and my position in the body of Christ, who could I tell, who could I confide it, THIS was NOT suppose to be happening to me. I felt like my body had went on a terminal leave of absence and my mind was trying to figure out what to do. Till God spoke to me and said it rains on the just and the unjust. We all get sick, but My grace is Sufficient for YOU!.

I kept trying to maintain my job(s) but seemed with each passing day, I couldn't even go in, I believe I may have worked 24 hours in the month of February. I recall the SSA reports that they send out, how the last one that I received when I looked at my annual earnings, within the past 5 years, the total earned, kept dropping.

What baffles me is that having been a nurse so long, I heard of this Invisible Disease but was so unaware of it, It's wild. It's unpredictable, it's lifechanging, and if it comes to your door, it DOESN'T knock, it knocks the door down, comes in and takes over your life.

The pain of FM is relentless, it never ends, you are in PAIN everyday!!!! You don't have a good day, yeah, you put on a smile, make up and fake it, because "people" don't know what you are going through, you are young, vibrant and a Vicious Intruder moves in without an invitation. How do you explain to others, when no one explained it to you? Finding a doctor that supports, treats and understands is like trying to find Nemo. The pain is so intense you find yourself SCREAMING. You use to like Vicodin, Tylenol #3 and #4, now you want Fentanyl patch, Dilaudid, Morphine....a PCA pump, heating pads to go!!! you just want Relief. Your sidekick drugs are stool softeners, Pepto (the pink stuff), Benadryl, Bengay, Capcazin, Omega 3's, and the list goes on as NEW stuff pop up.

SOME OTHER WONDERFUL EVENTS OF MY LIFE:

My legs feel like telephone poles...heavy, stiff and painful. I have to purposely get up 3 hours now before I need to be somewhere, because it takes 30 minutes to get OUT the bed and another 60 to get moving, then an hour of drive time.

The PeePee Dance.....I have no warning signals, when it hits, it becomes a dash for the Throne. I have Revival in the restroom, there are times I urinate for a good 2 minutes NONSTOP. I noticed this happening back in 1995 but just brushed it off as having held my urine too long, til it happened again and again, and again. I'm talking about those occasions when I did NOT make it. My stomach swells up, literally there are times I look like I need to be getting ready for my own baby shower, I forget to eat, then my stomach decides to roar super loud, then when I eat it tears my stomach up and I have to run for the Pink stuff then at the same time, I will have to run BACK to the Throne, cause I have to pee again. And by now, it is 11:43AM, EVERYDAY.

Allergies: Can't go outside, if I do, I have to run to the truck, and can't keep the windows down, because Pollen is everywhere, had to get rid of my Yorkie, because I got allergic to him, broke my heart. So I suffer, because there is no right temperature to set the air on, where I can breathe in this Texas heat without freezing myself, and that reminds me, I can tell the weather man that it is going to be cold, because as the temperature drops or the rain falls, my pain Increases and Stress Intensifies.

Stress: Everything is stressful and irritating.

Body malaise, is it a cold, the flu, pneumonia? ....PSYCHE! There is nothing worse than suddenly developing a fever, body aches, chills, nausea and extreme fatigue. When it happens you just know you've got the flu or some other nasty bug. But with FMS, you can feel like that one day and just KNOW you are destined for a week in bed with a box of tissues, a trash can within easy reach and terrible daytime television. But then guess what? PSYCHE, a day or so later, maybe in a few hours, you're fine. If you have a moment, where you get a burst of energy, better do something fun, because it is sure to be short lived.

The drive for SEX has stalled my vehicle!!!

Hugs are APPRECIATED, but they HURT like labor!


The Faux Heart Attack......of course, I freak out....I get anxious, sweaty, clammy, dizzy, nauseous, blood pressure elevated, stressed and....look those symptoms up and see what you get! Heart attack! But nope, it's just FMS's way of letting me know who is in charge. Another one of the Fibro invisible monsters.

And let's not leave out the other fun things that FMS has brought to my life......

Fibro Fog (I lose something everyday and no matter how many reminders I leave laying around to remind of where, what, who, when, how, what time.... I mangage to lose that too. I have called people of the phone and by the time they answer, I have to ask they are, cause the Fog came in quick and thick. I have called my son, by his brothers names, my brothers names and some of my nephews, then when he finally remind me of who he is, I have forgot what I wanted to tell him.

Mood Swings.....all I can is, I apologize now for anything stupid I may say or do and said or did and you didn't understand, neither did I.

Insomnia.....I watch ALOT of late night TV. Usually sit up til Jeopardy go off, because I am trying to get all the pee to come before I lay down, but it always wait til I have hit THAT spot. Wake up early, brush my teeth, do the morning thing, look for something to put on, and that just zonks me, so I get back in bed for another 45 minutes to an hour.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome...I wake up, but can't get up, can't stay up, can't keep up, can't do anything!
EVERY CHAIR has become my favorite chair, cause I have spent so much time, trying to see which one is the most comfy for a nap.

Sometimes my fingers will tingle and my hands will go numb. But that's not all, my feet will do it too! And when my shoulders and neck spasm badly enough, my neck and face will go numb too! Go ahead, poke me, see if I feel it!

FMS Headaches.....these are such fun. They start at the tender points in my neck and shoulders, they then shoot up my neck, into my jaws and radiate into my scalp, behind my eye and in my occipital lobe.

And I can't leave out breast pain, teeth and head ache from grinding my teeth, inflammed ribs and breast bone


The cool things about Fibromyalgia....I got a cool, new, technologically advanced heating pad with 3 heat levels and an automatic shut off! I have a moist body size heating pad, I have a TENS unit, I have a nice selection of stick on heating pads that usually end up on my back or shoulders. I now have my own personal pharmacy that includes anti-anxiety drugs, muscle relaxers, allergy tablets, nasal spray, Roll on analgesics, anti-inflammatories, acid reducers and rash creams. I drink a killer herbal tea to help me sleep.

FMS is of the DEVIL and I will defeat this! I can't control it and I hate that the most. So from day to day, hour to hour, I don't know how I'm going to feel. But I will never give up, I will never give in, I will never quit. We will beat this.

I do hope that as you have read this, you would have a somewhat better understanding of the tornado that has been going on in my body, at best, search it out, ask questions, pray for me, don't feel sorry for me, this is temporary. And when you want to Hug me, send it through the email, because everything in my body HURTS